I have been working on myself and my home for a number of years but I have never gotten far. I take baby steps and I accomplish something small and then grind to a halt.
- Who is at fault?
- What am I waiting for?
- When will I get it done?
- Where is this taking me?
- Why does this keep happening?
- How can I fix this?
Some of these questions are really easy to answer for me and others are really hard and as I start writing this blog I actually don’t know how to answer some at all.
As you know I have been listening to Ted Talks and podcasts, watching YouTube motivational videos, taking online courses and reading blogs and books but these are all passive activities and I don’t really do anything constructive whilst I am doing these things. I need to stop doing passive activities and start working on this issue. Even writing this blog is a form of procrastination for me but I do think I need to answer these questions for myself so I can finally conquer this problem I have.
1. Who is at fault? – Well, that’s me! I can’t blame others for my own inaction and the consequences. I get frustrated with my son when he doesn’t tidy his room but if I don’t lead by example how can I truly expect him to do a better job than me? The reality is as soon a something becomes tidy he needs to mess it up not in a “kids will be kids” way but in an “I am uncomfortable and I need to clutter things up because it makes me feel better” way and I worry that I am responsible for this behaviour. Actually, I know I am responsible for it.
3. When will I get it done? – I always want it done yesterday but it is always tomorrow and we all know tomorrow never ever comes especially for me. I would prefer it done sooner than later but I always throw up roadblocks, for example, I have wanted to move several pieces of furniture for nearly two years now and I keep putting it off. The annoying thing each piece would facilitate unclogging of certain choke points in my home alleviating stress and moving forward to an decluttered home.
4. Where is this taking me? – Nowhere. The sad fact is my home is a no go zone. I can’t have friends and family over, my young niece asked to come over and I had to say no and she doesn’t understand why. If I have to say no to her what am I doing to my son? I have a list of jobs that need doing but my dad can’t get to them because I won’t let him in. This needs to stop I want my home to be open to anyone who pops by I don’t want to panic if someone says we’ll be over on Friday and have clean for several hours straight.
5. Why does this keep happening? – I was trying to pinpoint a time when this began and I had to ask my mum, she says I got worse at nine years old we had just moved house to a nice neighbourhood, I went to a good school and made some good friends we played out a lot but that wouldn’t explain my room. My mum was diagnosed with ME/CFS which still impacts her to this day but despite this, she kept a lovely home, I never really saw her maintaining the home, hang on, actually that isn’t true the more I think on that period the more I remember her just getting on with things. I often saw her after she had finished when I got home from school and she lay exhausted on the sofa and needed me to peel the potatoes for dinner, I had no real understanding of her condition at the time and I think back to that wish I had been more helpful. I think just lost the plot, Mum thinks I was lazy, I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Or was something deeper going on? I think as an adult I appear to focus on the negative rather than the positive and that is a problem. I generally think in terms of I can’t do this or that and always assume I will fail at everything so when things go wrong it’s expected and I think “oh well I knew that would happen”.
6. How can I fix this? – So I need to set myself some realistic deadlines and work on each room to its completion, maintain it and move on.
My brother has said that I make decisions which in themselves are not wrong but they just never work out for me. I would have to agree with that. I was an administrator and I frequently have taken the jobs which have no career track so when redundancies were coming round I was usually among the first to go. When my depression started to interfere with my life there where consequences because I refused to be signed off work. I had my amazing kid and then eventually after some false starts returning to the workplace and having zero job interviews for two years I decided to set up a business which despite my hard work didn’t work out for me so I had to move on to another business which worked initially but the physical consequences are beginning to limit me and so I have had to make more choices and the jury is still out on those. I think when I look back at the number of times my career has been interrupted by my employer and realise I have only left one job voluntarily.
I understand why I am self-employed now and although that life hasn’t ladened me with riches it keeps my head above water and keeps me busy. Life just keeps throwing me curveballs and I am not a good catcher, I am frustrated and frustrating all rolled into one depressed, exhausted, ball of a human being.
Did you notice I missed out question two? Yep I don’t know how to answer that one at all. Does the why need to be answered? Probably I need to think about that one for a bit I need coffee.
Catch you later
cmx
callumsmamaidh 